Seeing beer, drinking peach tea

I’m sitting in the corner coffee shop, 4:47 p.m., staring at the almost empty pint glass of beer on a table next to an acquaintance’s computer. Irritated that that’s not me.

Last week I stood in line here to get my coffee, behind another acquaintance who was buying a pint of a different beer. This one was from a brewery in Fort Collins, Colorado, that I love and that I visited several years ago as part of a writing project (that never got off the ground) on solar-powered breweries. I love that label. It’s about fish. Cutthroat Porter. Come to think of it, maybe I have a fish-beer-label theme — think Two Hearted. We chatted about the brewery while the barista filled his glass. I had to walk away.

Earlier this week I wandered into the liquor store department of the grocery store and stared at the singles in the cooler. Not quite sure what I’m doing with this. Trying to integrate my life, perhaps. My eyes went to my previously favorite beer and I saw they’d changed that label — it has a heron on it now. One of my favorite birds. It’s an awesome label. God damn it.

I do grieve that I don’t get to participate in the rest of the craft beer craze. I think it’s important to grieve rather than brush this feeling right under the rug. I wish I could have all that. A part of me is distinctly inclined to opt for that “all in” drinking life, the complete escape. But a bigger part of me has said no. Says no, repeatedly.

I try to have conversations every few days with that part that wants the escape life; I try when she comes around. The conversations are not particularly going anywhere at the moment. But I think she has important secrets for me. I think the deep craving to isolate and create euphoria has great meaning and is a very real human experience. I also think there are other ways to heal the gash in my soul that I tried for so long to soothe with alcohol. I don’t want to press that question too hard, because I want the new path to open up on its own. I want to be taught rather than invent a new path completely from my rational frontal lobe. I want to be show, from the inside out.

And so here I am with my pint glass filled with a rather nice peach white tea. I love it, truly. It as a drink and the love that it represents for myself and all that I touch. And … I remain irritated by guy’s now-really-almost-empty pint glass of beer.

I am twins. Day 63.

Have a good one!

Adrian

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13 thoughts on “Seeing beer, drinking peach tea

  1. I’m also day 60 something…I use to drink to get to that ‘pre-thought state’ otherwise known as motherlessly drunk. This started effecting my life and my family so I’m trying to find non-toxic ways of getting to that pre-thought state’ of being. Peach tea sounds good to me☺ Remember – the craft beer is packaged and marketed specifically selling a ‘lifestyle’ .Young, trendy, hip, clever little bit rebellious and anti-establishment… The liquid in that bottle is called Ethanol no matter how you dress that stuff up, it’s still the same substance in that bottle. xxx

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    • Yes! I was not a beer person…I liked my wine. I can still distantly connect with that feeling I used to get when holding a glass of red and a cigarette…it brought about feelings of sophistication, class, being a “smart-lady”, having “arrived”…but alas…none of those things can be found in a glass of wine/ethanol. Nor can a craft beer make you edgy or hip. The advertising is quite powerful though.

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    • Yes, the non-toxic ways of getting to the pre-thought state of being. Peach tea doesn’t do anything along those lines, just nice (and warm) to have in a glass. I think that part of leaving alcohol (or whatever self-medication one favors) is quitting the idea that we’re chasing an altered state of “pre-thought state of being.” I think there’s value to that idea, sort of bringing us down to earth. But I also think that our efforts to escape or create euphoria or get away from the negative voices keeping us down and criticized are human and real, and that there IS real escape from those. Coming from two directions — one, dissolving the negativity in the first place (the book May Cause Miracles is astonishing in this regard) and two, finding our true bliss. Or blisses. What are different parts of us asking for that we refuse to give them? That’s where I’m at right now, listening better — and spending more time in my wood shop 🙂 Deepak Chopra’s book on addiction has this at the center. Identify and engage with things that give you bliss (the mindless kind, I say, or maybe that’s part of the definition of bliss). Don’t banish the part of you that seeks pre-thought — listen to it, talk to it, find out what it really wants, and see how to give it that. Any ideas what it’s asking for? Adrian

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      • There you go…. And, I was going to say, there is always coffee 🙂 I still use coffee as a mood boost. Some day I will quit, because my energy is so much greater and more nuanced without coffee. But for now it’s here in my day. But your art — stick your toe back in that!!

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  2. Giving up alcohol does feel like a loss and I agree that it’s important to allow ourselves space to mourn that loss. It’s not easy to give up a part of ourselves, even if that part was hurting us. I actually wrote a letter to my drinking-self where I just free-wrote how I felt…mixed feelings included. It helped.
    Jenn

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    • Great idea. That would produce some fun and variety. A year or two ago I went on an intent search for nonboring AF beer. I didn’t understand why hops were so prohibited — it was almost like people thought hops had something to do with alcohol content. As a former homebrewer and current chemistry nerd, I knew that they did not, but I think that the association of hoppiness and high alcohol does affect public perception. I came upon the Clausthaler NA beer that has cascade hops, and it is a very, very decent beer, so I quit sort of thinking about this. But I think I will become a market signal… It’s not like gluten-free stuff where you have to have a whole separate set up.

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  3. Hi Adrian,
    TEA!!
    I love the one you suggested…is this a Rishi White Peach?
    I really had to grieve, and I SO agree not to skip this part.
    I am really glad you posted, and so glad you are 63 days!
    xo
    Wendy
    I also want to read those books!

    Liked by 1 person

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