Fear as a fact

I was walking home this evening from a restaurant after dinner with an acquaintance/former client who I really like. As I walked down the sidewalk a few blocks from home, in my favorite neighborhood in the world, lawns and gardens now in full bloom, the loveliest spring evening one could want, the buzzing in my brain wanted to drive me mad. A weird anxiety that very specifically wanted a drink. My brain was really riled up, I’m not sure why.

It was still roiling me when I got home and I kept watching and feeling, riffled through some receipts looking for the Target one with the ugly frame on it that I need to return. Made some mint tea. Glanced at Facebook. The nerviness was still there and I let it be. It was a fear, the uber-familiar deathly fear that I have no right to be supported on this planet and I won’t. First chakra stuff, apparently.

And then suddenly it occurred to me, and I was able to, put that ball of fear, well, over there. About four feet away. I felt it as a thing that yes I carry around with me, a fact now that I could stare at as opposed to reason with inside my body. My fear was a fact that I knew about and nodded to.

And the buzzing anxiety terror disappeared. Melted? Is gone now.

The cravey moments are such lenses. And when the craving pain passes I am so glad to find myself five plus months into a life without alcohol — a nice soft landing.



6 thoughts on “Fear as a fact

  1. I remember Annie Grace talking about this on a video https://youtu.be/499ajGowVqM. When you stop drinking the Gabba receptors don’t work as well as they would because the brain has gotten used to alcohol applying the brakes. This is one of the reasons why in the first year or so anxiety/ stress /overwhelm occurs frequently. I have felt this so many times where sights and sounds just overwhelm me and send me into a tizzy, as if I need to dial my brain down because everything is too loud. Sounds like you’ve found a way to deal with this with great awareness. I’ll try this too. xxx


    • I don’t know much about GABA receptors but am ready to learn now that I have beta-endorphin and seratonin down pat (just reread Potatoes Not Prozac 🙂 ). HOME podcast had an interview with her that I recently listened to which was fantastic, and I need to track down her book. Thanks for this Youtube link! I just generally am affected by sights/sounds/smells a la “highly sensitive person” (Elaine Aron) and have some food sensitivities that occasionally whack me, but it’s an intriguing idea that quitting alcohol could affect that, too.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Hi Adrian!
    I am glad you found a way to put the cravings away.
    I used to put thoughts that bothered me on a shelf in my mind.
    Sometimes I put them in a cabinet in my mind and locked it up!
    I hope you have another soft landing day!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m sooo pleased you made it. These situations are the pits and feel like they will never end, and that’s where I come undone. Well done for putting it ‘over there’ (like!).

    Liked by 1 person

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