I was walking home this evening from a restaurant after dinner with an acquaintance/former client who I really like. As I walked down the sidewalk a few blocks from home, in my favorite neighborhood in the world, lawns and gardens now in full bloom, the loveliest spring evening one could want, the buzzing in my brain wanted to drive me mad. A weird anxiety that very specifically wanted a drink. My brain was really riled up, I’m not sure why.
It was still roiling me when I got home and I kept watching and feeling, riffled through some receipts looking for the Target one with the ugly frame on it that I need to return. Made some mint tea. Glanced at Facebook. The nerviness was still there and I let it be. It was a fear, the uber-familiar deathly fear that I have no right to be supported on this planet and I won’t. First chakra stuff, apparently.
And then suddenly it occurred to me, and I was able to, put that ball of fear, well, over there. About four feet away. I felt it as a thing that yes I carry around with me, a fact now that I could stare at as opposed to reason with inside my body. My fear was a fact that I knew about and nodded to.
And the buzzing anxiety terror disappeared. Melted? Is gone now.
The cravey moments are such lenses. And when the craving pain passes I am so glad to find myself five plus months into a life without alcohol — a nice soft landing.