200 days

Well will you look at that? Two hundred days!!! First time!

And, my drinking brain thought it would be nice to have a 2.5%-alcohol beer on Christmas Eve.  Apparently we’re still on this journey 🙂

I was, as is custom in my corner of the universe, doing a Menards run on Christmas Eve. (I don’t particularly celebrate Christmas, a fact which I’m appreciating more as the years go by. I had something of a tradition with my family back when my mom was still alive, but since she’s been gone (12 years), our family’s traditions sort of evaporated. This year I talked to my dad on C. Eve and sent my brother and nephew a merry-quiet-celebrators text on C. day.) I still enjoy watching the colors and music from a distance.) So I was out buying insulation and vapor-barrier paint for my workshop, and getting probably a bit tired, and tired of negotiating the crowds (though not at Menards. I highly recommend Menards for quiet shopping on 12/24). And out of nowhere my wolfie brain says it thinks it would be really nice to have a 2.5% beer. Just one. Well, maybe two since there’s so little alcohol. Or maybe the whole six pack. (At the grocery store here, where I always bought my beer, they have this stuff. They keep it in the cooler in the back, in and amongst the NA beer — I know, what the fuck?) No one would have to know.

I haven’t particularly had any of this kind of thinking this time around, at all, not even in the beginning. That night I also had a drinking dream. Stuff is ruminating in the background. Marinating. Boy was I happy when I woke up.

And so I go on. I have things to say about clarity and letting go of old patterns and coming into peace with myself, but at the moment my thoughts aren’t lined up around that very well. Another day. Suffice it to say that I have my attention on what has always felt to me like the real shift that quitting alcohol (in my case; same goes for whatever your preferred distraction is) allows/brings on/flows inextricably (wrong word) to. Inexorably. Letting go of patterns/wounds/fears/etched images in the brain and body and heart. The sentiment of missing having “an escape, a way to just check out” appear on a regular basis in the sober blogosphere, and I feel strongly that we don’t have to give that up. Everybody gets an escape. It’s available. Everybody gets to unhook from being buffeted about by the stresses and stuff of the world, and people who’ve experienced alcohol dependence/abuse/addiction have this interesting little thing (what I call the first 17 minutes, the first 1.65 beers) with which to compare other “escapes.” I’m not advocating a new substance or activity, rather, the real deal. A clear inner flow and experience of one’s true, pure, quiet, joyful self (out of which one interacts with all the stuff, stresses and all, of life).

I said I wasn’t going to type about that and then I did. More another day.

Blessings to you in the return of the light…

Adrian

 

 

 

7 thoughts on “200 days

  1. The holidays are a bit tough sometimes! I had the urge when out at dinner with hubs before seeing the Christmas Carol! I told him I sometimes miss wine. He understood, and life went on.
    Hugs, and Happy Day 200!
    xo
    Wendy

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  2. Congrats on 200 Days! Whoooo hooooo! I’ve been peaking at the NA beers but there’s nothing that catches my eye. I enjoyed two virgin drinks this week, both delicious…a Bloody Mary and a Mojito. I’m on vacation in Key West and there is a bar every 2 feet! Anyhow…glad to see your post Trail Buddy! Feels good to be in the 200’s!

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    • Hi Trail Buddy! Glad you’re soberly enjoying Key West… 🙂 It’s funny, I used to drink NA beers and enjoy them, and I’ve pretty much quit. Though maybe it’s a winter thing. Onward!!!

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    • Thank you! It does make some sense when people (waiters) bring the actual bottle of NA beer to the table, for verification purposes. Though it drives me bonkers when they either don’t bother to pour it into a glass like everybody else’s or don’t take away the empty bottle and it just sits there. I want to choose the good liquid for my body and then just look normal. Argh 🙂 But it makes some sense. Happy 2019 to you.

      Liked by 1 person

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