I have a circle now, the snake swallowed its tail, and I get to start retracing the circle again.
Oh how I needed this. I’ve had many past attempts to quit drinking where once I reached the ceasing of daily cravings, and got some weeks past that point, I thought I was good. Not that I thought I’d worked through everything, the reasons I self-medicated, the tiny nearly silent pains that pierced straight through my soul. I knew they were still there and would need space and time to dissolve. But I thought that, given my relatively not-so-bad drinking habit (~3 drinks a night for a week or two per month, for 7-8 years), giving it up would be relatively not-so-bad once I got past the cravings and habit stuff. That’s where my denial resided and that’s what this circling back to June 10 has gifted me — more of the journey, put me in a really brand new place relative to my brain-chemistry- and daily-habit-entrenched self-medicating.
I wish I wrote here more. I tend to feel overwhelmed a lot, which my partner pointed out may be because I have a lot of balls in the air… The irony is that the overwhelmed feeling, as I currently feel it, started, oh, about 360 days ago. Wouldn’t it have made more sense to feel overwhelmed back when I was robbing myself of entire evenings, and some afternoons, of available time to get stuff done, and nights of sleep? One would think so. But instead I’m overwhelmed now, standing in an absolutely beautiful spot where it’s crystal clear to me that becoming comfortable in my mind and body is a matter of squirrelling my quiet self away inside my wide-awake noisier self. Finding my own balances and breathing inside myself, clear-eyed and present. Rather than squirrelling away in bottles of beer, that obliterating strategy that led to waking up uncomfortable in my mind/body the next day. No nesting. Nestling. Just jumbling and damage.
Here’s to a second year of new textures.
I am in awe of us.