365

I closed the loop. Went from having a big bigger bigger number, 200, 300, 360, 365 …. to a little one: 1 year. But it’s a little one that feels very solid to sit on.

I have a circle now, the snake swallowed its tail, and I get to start retracing the circle again.

Cheers!

Oh how I needed this. I’ve had many past attempts to quit drinking where once I reached the ceasing of daily cravings, and got some weeks past that point, I thought I was good. Not that I thought I’d worked through everything, the reasons I self-medicated, the tiny nearly silent pains that pierced straight through my soul. I knew they were still there and would need space and time to dissolve. But I thought that, given my relatively not-so-bad drinking habit (~3 drinks a night for a week or two per month, for 7-8 years), giving it up would be relatively not-so-bad once I got past the cravings and habit stuff. That’s where my denial resided and that’s what this circling back to June 10 has gifted me — more of the journey, put me in a really brand new place relative to my brain-chemistry- and daily-habit-entrenched self-medicating.

I wish I wrote here more. I tend to feel overwhelmed a lot, which my partner pointed out may be because I have a lot of balls in the air…  The irony is that the overwhelmed feeling, as I currently feel it, started, oh, about 360 days ago. Wouldn’t it have made more sense to feel overwhelmed back when I was robbing myself of entire evenings, and some afternoons, of available time to get stuff done, and nights of sleep? One would think so. But instead I’m overwhelmed now, standing in an absolutely beautiful spot where it’s crystal clear to me that becoming comfortable in my mind and body is a matter of squirrelling my quiet self away inside my wide-awake noisier self. Finding my own balances and breathing inside myself, clear-eyed and present. Rather than squirrelling away in bottles of beer, that obliterating strategy that led to waking up uncomfortable in my mind/body the next day. No nesting. Nestling. Just jumbling and damage.

Here’s to a second year of new textures.

I am in awe of us.

Carry on.

Adrian

 

 

13 thoughts on “365

  1. Trail Buddy!! (yes it’s me, no more Rags2Riches) Super excited to see this excellent post! Congratulations!! I look forward to weaving those new textures right alongside you as we continue the journey. Such an accomplishment!

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    • Thank you!! I was so happy to see your one year post a couple of days ago. So glad to have you on this journey….! And hey, I saw some (now, this is going to sound disgusting, but it turned out not) hops-flavored sparkling water (WATER) at a Whole Foods in Colorado and tried it. It was … refreshing! Hoppy! Weird but good. It was called something like Hops2O.

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  2. Well done. ☺️ So far I have found the second year at first harder than I thought it should be but gradually better thanks to some quiet realizations here and there. I also wish I wrote here more.

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    • Thank you….. If you feel that writing on your blog was a ‘sober support,’ perhaps you’ll come back to it a little more as time goes on? One thing I sometimes feel as I’m contemplating a post is that I have a certain sound/feel/style” here and it imperceptibly pens me in. Maybe I’m a different person here some day versus some previous day. It’s certainly not hard to toss off anything and start anew — words don’t weigh anything — but I have to notice and find a new level of relaxedness in my typing. I guess all I’m saying is that maybe there’s a new, evolving you who would like to speak out loud about drinking but she’s not sure there’s room for her on your blog, and there is. I’m glad your year 2 is getting gradually better.

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      • I think it is something like you say here, “maybe there’s a new, evolving you who would like to speak out loud about drinking but she’s not sure there’s room for her on your blog.” That, plus a touch of laziness, and an interest in other things at the moment. I don’t know exactly. Right now when I think about writing, it feels like a chore that I cannot bring myself to do, even though there’s a part of me that wants to. Congrats again on your year. I feel more and more confident in this lifestyle choice as time goes on and I bet you will too. ☺️

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