I just crossed the six month mark and am feeling somewhat more autopiloty with regard to this new alcohol-free phase. That is most welcome. It was astonishing to me (sobering, as it were) that a person who drank sporadically (though almost all nights I was alone in the house) and in the three-drinks-per-night range — i.e., could have been way worse — could still be obsessing about drinking months later. This stuff is scary shit. I am glad to be emerging into a lighter way of life with regard to this drinking problem of mine.
I also am on my first real trip in a year. It’s for the wedding of a son of a friend of my partner, but this city is also one where I did a fair amount of drinking in the past 5 to 7 years. I used to come here for work. That’s been interesting. A bit painful. A good process to go through now.
When we got to the airport my eyes of course fell on some homey pub or another, featuring some sort of special craft beer. I’ve drunk in a number of airports, and I always kind of loved those times. I love going places, love traveling alone. I did not love the headaches the next day, however, or the out-of-control nature of my relationship with alcohol. Seeing that homey pub was painful. Of the kind only possible in a recently emerging post-pandemic world. Just, ouch.
And then we walked by. Onto the plane. Off of the plane. And so on. Everything’s fine. Desensitization at work.
I’m sitting right now in a coffee shop in a hip part of town, and to get here walked past a number of places where I used to drink. It’s all just sort of weird and bittersweet and blessedly wonderful to be now immersed in new habits, and new drinks.
This wedding we’re going to will be fine, though I’m minutely worried about a few things. “Worried” is too strong a word, but we’ll leave it there. Worried. There will be one social stressor in the form of a person, plus … just … I don’t know the people very well and frankly don’t need to. It will most likely end up being really fun (I do know a couple of people who are friends of ours at home, and everyone else is nice and all).
But I’m being extra nice to myself. Loaded the car with sparkling water on the way into town. Bought the cream I really want for my coffee. It’s so funny that this is even a thing, but I’ve been cutting way back on the (delicious!!) heavy cream I normally put in my coffee (trying to see if this will help my tinnitus), and replacing it largely with oatmilk (which is surprisingly good, but it leaves the coffee not so creamy as usual). It leaves me feeling slightly neglected, which is fine at home. But here, on the road (which I have a history of its stressing me out despite being something I love), I thought I need my cream. And I brought essential oils with me (lavender oil and vata oil). And the felted turtle who lives on the dashboard of my car and stares at me with a gleeful grin when I drive. I just need to figure out a sober treat for tonight after the dinner and Sunday after the wedding.
Day 183. Yay.
Have a good one.