Spring rains, easy walking

I can feel when it’s been too long since I wrote here. I have just a few “maintenance” activities that seem to keep me grounded and far from alcohol, and this typing is one of them. I find these days that I don’t have (don’t take the) time to really think thoroughly through thoughts on drinking. Since this is going to be the case for the foreseeable future, here we are. ! Gonna keep showing up.

The wedding went FINE. The pre-wedding dinner thingie went fine, too (all except me finding myself in someone’s bathroom without my reading glasses (I mean, who… ?!) and encountering, when I stood up after the peeing was finished, a bidet mechanism instead of the regular flush button. Rather, the flush button was there but was disconnected, and one’s only option was to use a couple of dials with words on them that were at the very least not legible to me but I think also half worn off, so reading glasses wouldn’t have helped). I mean, I didn’t drink nor was I tempted to. I enjoyed watching the mountain sky fade into its sunset, feeling kind of like I was back in my childhood home.

The wedding was at a concert venue in the mountains, it didn’t rain, I had the joyful opportunity to wander along the small river during the reception (what must that venue’s insurance premiums be?), I had nice chats with some very nice acquaintances from home. Talked sharpening stones, construction management, and cottonwood varieties. I was sort of hating the idea of the whole event because I feel fairly asocial lately, and I used to drizzle alcohol on the asocial nature of me, but the people part was nice — my partner and I met some folks who happened to park next to us, who we then talked to again after the wedding outside, who happened to be seated at our table, and their presence helped me immensely. And at the table of eight, I think only one person had wine. (I did pause to think, “what is wrong with you people??!!”) But my brain said to me at one point while we were still at large in the mountain vista (before being corralled into the crowded (though very cool and beautiful) building, “this is easy.”

And it can be easy not to drink. Especially once you get used to it (it’s not the default action) and if you’ve taken care to be sure you’ll be comfortable wherever you are. I got a little cold at the wedding and went to see if we could go inside, and found our table which was thankfully beneath the intersection of two long heat lamps. When I felt myself starting to get cold a little alarm went off and I tried to remedy that. I didn’t force myself to talk to people. I avoided my partner’s ex-wife. I had hot water in a thermos in the car as well as fizzy water in case I needed it. I would have left if necessary (and driven … not sure where).

I’m at day 194 now and finally starting to not be obsessed with the drinking question every day. I email “sober” to Belle every evening. I type here every week or two. I stay warm, keep fizzy in my car at all times, don’t walk down beer aisles in grocery stores. It’s beautiful to have the memory of self-medicating in the afternoons with beer, recede. I hope it keeps receding. I’m in the, oh, I don’t know, weird zone right now? Have proceeded past the length of all my other attempts to quit this toxin except one. It’s “easy” and I’m paying close attention still. I explicitly note when my “I want a drink” meter goes from zero to one out of ten. (Wolfie/Bernadette tried a new one the other day. I had an alcohol ping and thought, oop, there’s a … three out of ten. Bernadette thought it was a two. I said, no, three. Nice try.

Happy May to you, wherever you are on your journey.

love, Adrian

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