My knock-down drag-out fight with discomfort

During these almost two months of not drinking, I’ve had a chance to see more clearly what’s up with me. What my demons are. Over the last many months and years I’ve gotten bits and pieces of the story, seen light flashing off odd corners of my mind and emotions (yes, my emotions have odd corners — and yours??). But in the quiet of these mornings and evenings that I experience with a clear mind I’ve come to see the various parts and how they fit together.

I’m a ruthless systematizer, and while that serves me well in my professional life, I don’t, I do not, want this blog to be some highly organized (planned out, sanitized) thing. It needs to be organic and a place where I can write freely. At the same time, it’s useful to me to see the scene, as I currently understand it, in one place.

Here’s what I came up with. (What you’re seeing is probably illegible but clicking on the image should produce a larger one.)

My thoughts are often in a kinetic sort of language. Motion, muscles, reflexes, reactions. So for me, really recovering means getting used to new motions. The actions next to the four arrows go in terms of desirability. I’m trying to train myself away from the first one (resist/reject), I am solid in that, but at this point any of the other three are FINE. Accept, accept and be friendly toward the feeling, or actively create a safe space.

Eventually I want my creating a safe space and working in it to be just about automatic. But you know what? These days if I just sit still, and don’t resist, and don’t reject myself, and don’t drink, I have my victory and I sleep peacefully that night.

Gonna come back to this. I have a lot of exploring of this discomfort to do…. Thanks for dropping by!