Phase change

Happy Friday. I come to the keyboard with nothing particularly in mind, simply wanting to stay connected. I have almost two months away from alcohol and am stepping through the days pretty annoyed these days. Most days for the past week or two I’ve just really wanted a beer. Haven’t had one. Have watched the inclination to suddenly, standing at the counter of the local coffee shop about to order my half-calf Americano, almost order a beer. Relearning for the nth time how instantaneously Continue reading

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Back at the Keyboard

Well, hi! May, I see, was the last time I typed here. I’ve missed this place.

The last six months have been filled with work, as usual, the ever ebbing and flowing of a freelance life, and … construction! Just as our actual house was nearing completion, I started building a workshop. A place for tools and building, woodworking and stained glass tools for now and who knows what new tools in the future. It’s 450 feet over a little hill from the house. Back behind the bees.  Five friends came in July for three days to frame it up and put the roof structure on, and I’ve spent untold hours since then — blissfully — finishing the framing, sheathing, housewrapping, and windows. It’s been a lot of literal hours, but also quite the psychological magnet. I’m finding it hard to concentrate in other areas of life, although the arrival of true colder temps now is driving me back to the house. Highs in the 30s do a good job of deterring work in an uninsulated, even with the wood stove fired up.

I think about this absorbingpeace place and often often read Continue reading

Fear as a fact

I was walking home this evening from a restaurant after dinner with an acquaintance/former client who I really like. As I walked down the sidewalk a few blocks from home, in my favorite neighborhood in the world, lawns and gardens now in full bloom, the loveliest spring evening one could want, the buzzing in my brain wanted to drive me mad. A weird anxiety that very specifically wanted a drink. My brain was really riled up, I’m not sure why.

It was still roiling me when I got home Continue reading

Grief and old hang-outs

This afternoon I walked up to a restaurant/bar/grill a few blocks from my house to buy a couple of gift cards. Up until a couple of years ago, it was my main escape at 3 p.m. to do some work over a couple of beers.  They have a great list of beers on tap. Four bucks at cr/happy hour. I loved that place. Continue reading

Cravings, sugar, and resistance

It’s Sunday and my partner left on Thursday for a business trip. I had been having a cravey time of it and was somewhat concerned about the four days alone. I wanted to sit down and write to you all but then got busy. The cravings and general weirdness lightened up over Thursday and Friday; I managed to keep steering clear of sugar for some additional, very useful days; I stuck my head in a big painting/plastering job into Friday evening; and I’ve rolled much more contentedly out the other side. I’m reading The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown and listening to HOME podcast after HOME podcast. And I’ve done a lot of thinking. Continue reading

One of the biggest casualties of alcohol: Deep rest

On Friday, day 130, I was taunted and tormented by cravings all afternoon, unlike anything I’ve felt since the first couple of weeks without alcohol back in November/December. And I am home alone for a few days. Oh, ugh.

While I sincerely appreciate the little cravings for their reminder that my mind-(and body-)set can change in an instant — going from contented, grateful, and finding it impossible that anyone with years of sobriety under their belt would ever go back — the big constant flashback rattling ones I can do without. Ugh.

I was Continue reading

A stroll through the wine aisle, part II

I’m at day 116 and have both pulled past the constant awkwardness (as though I’ve been holding my body/mind/heart in a funny position for weeks) and, more recently, stopped paying as much attention to the number of days since my last beer. But I do still look over at that number every couple of days. It matters. At the moment it is a very strong deterrent to drinking, because boy do I not want to zap back to single digits. I love my triple digits and hope to stay here for a long, long time.

I am also aware that old habits are dying Continue reading